SPIDERMAN calculates exoplanet phase curves and secondary eclipses with arbitrary surface brightness distributions in two dimensions. The code uses a geometrical algorithm to solve exactly the area of sections of the disc of the planet that are occulted by the star. Approximately 1000 models can be generated per second in typical use, which makes making Markov Chain Monte Carlo analyses practicable. The code is modular and allows comparison of the effect of multiple different brightness distributions for a dataset.